The Contractors Deal

Pinoy Contractor Abroad

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

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The Whistle

An Apache guy, who had spent his whole life in the desert, goes to visit a friend who had moved to town. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

BAM!!, he's hit by the train and tossed to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was lucky enough to live through it with a few broken bones and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teapot whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teapot into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the noise, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the Apache guy, "Why'd you bust up my teapot?" The desert man replies, "Shii' kiis', you gotta kill these things when they're small."


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The Cowboy and the Yuppie

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know
anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."